by Sandy Paiement on Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 10:31pm
This note is probably going to be about a multitude of things that whiz through my thoughts every day.
So here goes...
I am reminded of the time I went through a 'renaissance' back sometime in the mid 1980's.
Prior to this, about 1983, I had left my 'husband' (who never actually married me) and went to live on my own with my then 5 year old daughter. After about 4 months, we reconnected and I moved back to the house we had lived in since 1977. He stayed at a friend's place, while I occupied the house. It was only a matter of about two or three months, and we were back together again. I had felt that perhaps we had a reason to get back together again, and it seemed at the time like it was 'love', or was it? I think it had to do with being comfortable and having the family, he, me and Christine, intact.
We had a lot of issues to resolve, and we both tried to do that, but - alas a leopard doesn't change its spots, and neither did he.
But, during this time we did try. The Renaissance Course was a part of that process. Frank took the course first, and then convinced me to register. It was a three day course, where they basically locked you into a room with a bunch of other losers who had emotional issues. What Frank didn't count on was that I would really benefit from this in that I would re-connect with myself, and learn to love myself. Oh, he knew that was the purpose, but what he didn't know was that I would love myself enough to know that the bullshit he was tossing at me would now not stick to me.
The most powerful part of this course was a technique using visualization. This involved everyone sitting on the floor in a relaxed position, different for everyone, closing eyes and letting the facilitator guide you through a process of regression therapy.
In this process, we were asked to imagine ourselves being led back in time to a point where we didn't feel emotional pain. (for me, it was all the way back to the womb...and beyond) I really don't remember - but - we were asked to then move forward to that first painful and hurtful event that changed us from innocent to wounded. We were then asked to imagine that we would reach down and pick up this 'wounded' child and hold it, and protect it from the painful experience. To love that little child. To make a promise to remove that 'child' from all harm.
I have to tell you, this really worked for me. I ended up loving myself right out of our relationship. I left Frank in 1988 and took my then 9 year old daughter to live with me in a little apartment in Richmond. However, I didn't move far away, Christine was close to her house and stayed in the same school. I made a vow that I would never inflict the kind of pain upon her that had been inflicted upon me. I never hit that girl. I didn't cuss out her dad, who was and is very precious to her, I maintained a good relationship with him and honoured his status as my daughter's father, and still do to this day. I also made a vow to never have another relationship with a man as long as my daughter was growing up and needed both her parents. And I kept that vow to this day.
Such is the person I have become. and I like me.
....to be continued
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